The grammar we thought we learned in school has pulled a fast one on us.
It seems like every grammar rule that was once correct has now been poo-pooed. English, you used to be our friend, But you’ve changed. You have made life very complicated for us.
We look at other languages that seem unbearably complicated, such as Mandarin, or even Russian, and our eyes start to cross. I tried to learn Russian once, all by myself. I learned the Russian alphabet. But that, of course, did no good at all. Even after translating the Russian symbols into English letters and forming what must have been words, I still had no idea what the sentences said. It could have been telling me to not forget to drink my Ovaltine, for all I knew.
But here’s something even more odd. English is regarded as one of the most difficult languages to learn. (I know; that’s hard for us to believe, but I guess it’s true.) Why is this? Because of its inconsistencies!
Just when we learn a rule, and we think we know it well, we find that: a) nobody could get the hang of the rule, so the next generation decided to change it on us, or b) there are exceptions to the rule. And exceptions to the exceptions. And rules to the exception. Unless this or that. Until. But only during the bottom half of every hour.
And it seems to go on like that. I could give a plethora of examples, but my head would explode. I will save most of them for future posts if I have the strength.
The Chicago Manual of Style, which is what the rules of fiction, non-fiction, magazine articles, and many other forms of writing are based on, is two and a half inches thick. Nine hundred twenty-one pages, plus 223 more pages of glossary and index, causes that sucker to weigh 3 pounds 10.7 ounces. I’m afraid to drop it on my foot. It’s not really just a book, it’s more of a tome. It’s full of secrets, rules, and puzzles, and this might be why I both hate and love the English language.
In case you didn’t notice, just look at the different ways I wrote the above numbers. Apparently, it is correct. Unless. Except. Who can possibly know, anymore? It’s enough to give a person indigestion and a migraine. I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps the antacid and ibuprofen industries are behind all this mockery.
Did we really make the English language so complicated that we needed a manual of this magnitude to write it properly? What in the crippety-crappity-cryptic world were we thinking?
And yet, there is something about English…it’s almost like cracking a code, only in reverse. If we can figure out whether “pastor” should be capitalized or not (this is up for debate, since my minister and her husband, also a minister, each had a solid, differing opinion), or if we can discern between “lie,” lay,” lain,” and “laid,” we can declare victory (as far as I’m concerned) and dive into that Dairy Queen Blizzard in celebration.
What about all that wonderful slang? It’s not just for comic strips, anymore. Some slang words, made-up-isms, and trend words are now considered actual words. As long as we’re not writing a master’s thesis or an email to a prospective employer, we are free to write such wonders as “Googled” or maybe even “duh.” Well, okay, if we’re applying for a job with The Onion, we might be able to get away with “duh.”
To make matters even more infuriating for those of us who got perfect scores on English exams, it is now perfectly acceptable to (get ready for this) end a sentence with a preposition.
It’s like playing Calvinball (look it up if you’re not familiar with the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes). In Calvinball, you make the rules as you play to work in your favor. This seems like what we’ve done to the English language.
All these factors are why I both hate and love the English language.
Maybe other languages are just as droll. If so, good for them! Why should Americans, Canadians, Australians, and other English speakers be alone in the funhouse of writing?
The fact that English evolves is one that I both love and hate. It’s so hard to keep up with it. But
If I had my way, “funner” would be a word for sure, and it wouldn’t be a controversial subject. Maybe language evolution will grant my wish.